Monday, March 29, 2010

Formspring Question that did not send to blogger

Ok guys, here is a question i got that for some reason blogger does not like.

Question: How have you resisted the temptation to kill your dad? I mean, *I* want to kill him and he didn't even do it to *me*. Related: how can you stand to have any contact with him?

I have resisted the urge to kill him by simply being better than him. It really is that simple. I am a better person than him because i would never treat my son that way. I would never let a chemical dependence drive me to do the things he did.

i can stand having contact with him because hes my dad. Honestly no matter what he did to me he would still be my dad and i would for some reason still love him.

Ask me anything

Just a thought: if your dad finds out you like guys, say "Well, dad, I got fucked by them for your drugs. Maybe I just picked up a liking for it. You're angry? Kill yourself, you fucking drug-addled child-abusing hypocrite LOSER." Just a thought.

I could say that... or i could just not tell him. Its easier for the second one.

Ask me anything

You ever have sex with your dad? If you did, do you still?

Never had sex that i know of. If i was blindfolded and he decided to bust in his boy... id never have known. But no as far as i know me and my pops never fucked.

Ask me anything

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Did your dad know you like guys or was gay?

my dad still dont know i like guys. Hed prolly beat the shit outta me if he found out

Ask me anything

I believe in one of your postings, you said your dad pretty much whored you out when you were about 12 (I think). I think you said it was to support his drug habit. Kinda curious as to why you never did or said anything about it to someone.

honestly i was scared as shit. And i was young and stupid enough to think that was something i had to do to help my dad. I didnt find out till i was older that it was basically to fund his drug habbit. I thought it was to pay the rent cuz thats what dad told me and my dad didnt lie to me up to that point. My parents had split up and i was stupid and thought it was normal. I knew it felt wrong, but at the same time i thought that was why kids moved away.

Ask me anything

LA Leather and a chill weekend with mindtrip

so as yall know Mindtrip did not win LA leather. But yall can talk to him about what happened. AS a viewer it was an intresting competition. As usual with gay events tho i felt like an outsider. maybe thats because i am unknown or because i want to remain unknown, im not sure. but that is life.

after the event i got to hang with mindtrip, since he didnt win we still had victory pancakes. Then we went to the beach and mindtrip is still mad at me for dragging him into the 58 degree ocean. Overall had a chill weekend. More later on the implications of this weekend and stuff like that.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Past Steps: Disorder

I finished out my senior year a legend in my class. I ended up getting a summer internship at a pro audio company in Miami, so 1 week after graduation i was across the country and for the first time on my own.

Id like to say i went wild, had massive parties and fucked like a whore, but that would be a lie. Actually i was fucking scared shitless, so i stayed kinda quiet for a while. Me and my roomate ended up being buddies, i loved the job, i loved the beach and i loved pretty much everything about miami. We had a few parties near the end of summer, and i ended up staying on as a full time employee in Miami. Shortly after i moved back to miami with my car, i started to hit a bit of the club scene in south beach. It was then i noticed alot of the club guys had perfect cut abs, big arms and i had neither. I also saw alot of the guys looked like little boys, no hair, no muscle just small. Both of those guys were getting all the attention. I looked like a normal guy, not fat but a lil around the waist, not big arms and decent legs. I looked like a high school running back who had the second semester to drink beer and eat pizza. And i was ignored at those clubs.

I couldnt afford a gym membership at the time, so i decided to start doing small workouts at home to try and get those cut arms. I did all that, but i wasnt getting results fast enough. So i decided to start cutting breakfast and lunch and eat a small dinner. After a while i cut out the dinner, and ate only a protien bar and stepped up my workouts.

Yes my friends you heard right, the man who hates the gay scene and everything it stands for became an anorexic to fit into the gay scene.

I was a hit at the clubs, there was nothing too me so i became a perfect twink. I shaved off all my body hair, i started listening to beyonce. I became a 3 dollar fag and it only took me from september to christmas. A club asked if i wanted to dance for them, and i took the offer. I was working 7 days a week, not spending any money on food and the gravy train was running at full speed.

That stopped one day when i passed out at work. they pegged me for having an eating disorder and put me in the hospital for a week with a feeding tube. there was nothing to me then, i really was skin and bones, and it was disgusting.

Feburary 2008 i was weighing 98 lbs when i was discharged from the hospital. The day i was discharged my rommate took me to checkers. For us west coasters who have never had checker burger, they are the closest thing the south has to in&out but still falls miraculously short. I ate like a pig but ended up pukin most of it up, which went into the epic fail category of life.

I started to make myself smaller meals, get myself back into the habit of eating. I had to set timers to remind myself to eat. I started to put on weight, and also putting on muscle. I was told by the docs to eat a high protein diet since my body would not deal well with fat for a while, so after my initial burger i kept to chicken and actually started to feel better. I was also supposed to take viamins and submit to drug testing so they knew i wasnt taking steroids or using meth (like id touch that shit after all the shit wth my dad). I also had to attend support groups for people who were suffering from BDD. I learned a shitton about myself in that group, and they recomended me to start going to Alanon and Naranon to help deal with my dad.

by August 08 i was up to 140 and was looking human again. Was still suffering from having extremly bad self image, and things were lookin kinda crappy. Then one of my customers told me if your in classes at the local junior college you could use the gym there for free. BINGO! I enrolled in classes there and became a college boy. I also moved out of the apartment into a house in the glades. These 2 things would combine to re-ignite my sex life much like a match would ignite gasoline.

I was a machine. I would work Saturday Sunday Tuesday Thursday Friday. Monday and Wednesday were school days all day, and from 9am to noon i was at the gym on campus. I felt like i did as a football player. I had a rush when i was working out. Outside the gym i was still sizing up everyone else and felt like i was inferior to them in every way, but i used that to push myself harder. Then i did the stupid thing, i pulled out my shoulder. And instead of giving it the time to heal, i kept working it.

On top of being at the gym all the time, i was doing ok in class, and ended up having a tight group of friends develop there. Since my house was away from everything else, and i worked for a music company, my house became the party house for freshmen/sophmore college students. my count for 2008 was 42 pussys fucked, 27 asses fucked and got fucked 175 times, and that was all from september to december. I was a busy little boy.

By December i was starting to feel like a man again. And i decided i was going to chase a childhood dream of mine, i was going to be a Marine.

my experience with BDD (body dismorphic disorder) was bred out of this sense of needing to belong. I was alone in a big city, no friends and no nothing. the club scene was as close as i had come in miami to having friends, and i wanted to fit in.

Ironically enough, through the support groups i learned i was not the only one who developed the disorder trying to fit into the gay community. Thanks to the gay communities massive use of meth and coke, and the massive emphasis on looking thin and hairless in the community newcomers who dont like to use drugs have a hard time maintaining that image. I know i was not the only one who worked out and never ate to maintain the methhead body that was idolized.

I wish i knew of the leather scene then, as that would have saved me from so much of the pain i went through. I found leather guys are much more willing to accept your physical flaws as long as your a good person when it comes to your actions and personality.

I gave up so much of myself to fit in then, and hurt my body in so many ways that i hope no one ever feels like they have to starve themselves to be accepted anywhere. I know of guys who feel like they have to stop being guys to be part of the gay community. If anyone ever asks why i will NEVER shave off my chest hair again the reason is i shaved it off to fit in with people who called themselves my friends but could not be bothered to visit me while i was in the hospital. The experience gave me the knowledge of knowing that no matter what, people who accept you without you shaving your chest, without you starving yourself and will accept you with all your flaws will come see you when your full of holes, have a tube in your nose and look like you got hit by a bus.

I found myself again when i found friends who actually did care. When i signed my contract for the USMC we had a party so big i had to take the next 3 days off work to remember how to walk. I remember we emptied my hurricane supply of gatorade (15 gallons) in those 3 days. Many of those people i talk to every day. I dont talk to anyone who called themselves my friends from my clubbin days.

I gave up so much for no real gain. In the end i look at this as my final chapter of self pity in my life. I swore i would never feel like that or give up more than i was willing to give just to fit in.

Next step: Recruitment

How skippy does a 5 mile run

Yes i know, mi not going into the marines anymore. I wrote this when was going in, when i had so much moto it was insane.

I have done moto runs since then though, got some buddies and we do 5 mile moto runs, its so much fun cuz your talking shit the whole time. its a good thing.

Mile 1:

start running in formation. its easy. Wind on our backs, sun is on its westward decline, and all is well.

almost get hit by a car, but thats par for the course in Miami. Remember to control your breathing, your doin good.

First stop/end of Mile 1:

Stop in parking lot. Push up position. 10 diamond, 1o regular, 10 wide. No Sandbagging. get up. Strech your legs.

Form up.

Mile 2:

Remember to breathe. Sound fucking off when doing a cadence. Dont fucking slow down. If the guy in front of you starts to slow down, push him. Dont fucking quit. Dont slow down motherfuckers.

Ignore the pain in your calfs. Ignore the slight ache in your chest. Almost at the second stop.

Stop 2:

Leg lifts, git your fucking legs 6 inches off the ground. Dont fuck around. Dont sandbag. keep the count.

Get your crunches. at least 30 in 1 minute. Dont give up. Body Builders, only 10 at this stop. Keep the count. Jump as high as you can at the end.

Form Up.

Mile 3:

Ignore everything. The honking and sidewalk. Ignore the trees cutting your arms. The seargeant screaming behind you fades out. you hear the words but you dont remember them afterward. they take over your brain functions. Thought stops. You stare at the head in front of you. You hear your breathing, you hear your feet. The burning in your muscles fades. your in the zone.

Stop 3:

Zone abruptly ends. Pain surges through your body as you stop. Back in push up position. 10 diamond, 10 regular, 10 wide. Strech a bit. Form up.

Mile 4:
you try in vain to remember how you got into the zone. Your breathing cant keep up with the oxygen your body needs. Your seargeant keeps telling you to control your breathing, but for some reason you cant remember how. Your calfs feel like they are on fire. Your legs feel as if they are either concrete or jello. your abs ache, your shoulders burn. you can feel a decent farmer tan start to take shape.

Stop 4:

Leg Lifts, sizzor kicks, and body builders. You stop caring. Your mucles hurt, everyones yelling. You want to quit, you want to cry. Your wondering why the fuck you do this.

Then you see your seargeants EGA. This is temporary. One day, you will have one of those as well.

Mile 5:

You ignore everything. Your not in the zone you were in in mile 3, you still feel the pain. The pain shoots till your eyesight is red. Your head throbs from dehydration. You start to feel dizzy and shake it off.

You reach the last marker, a red fire hydrant. you sprint. you sprint with every last ounce of energy you have. your back in the zone. Time slows down. you dont hear anything except your own breathing and the sound of your feet hitting pavement. This is what God must feel like.

you cross the stop sign. You slow down. You vomit.

I love this post. It reminds me of what my priorities were before i was injured. It reminds me of what i was willing to give to wear that EGA and serve this country. It reminds me of how a bean counter decided it was more cost effective to get rid of me then fix my shoulder. It reminds me how the president will pass universal care for everyone, that bean counter can stop your meds. It reminds me that nothing in life is guaranteed. It reminds me the pain, the suffering i gave to the Corps just to get to boot camp before they spit me out.

It reminds me of my innocence.

Past Steps: From abuse to need

At some point something in me clicked. When my dad stopped whoring me out, at first i was excited. Then it started to set in... The need to be filled again. I had gotten so used to the abuse side of it i never really allowed myself to like getting fucked, but when it stopped, i started to miss it.

As a 16 year old, i was not 'allowed' to look at porn or go on gay dating sites. Now let me preface this by saying you should not lie about your age on any web page. Anyway back in the real world i started to watch porn. I learned about file sharing and was downloading porn (this is where i developed my unhealthy crush/hero worship of Zak Spears). I started to find people to fuck on yahoo groups (360 before they shut it down).

I also started to fuck around more with people at school. I had been on the cross country team my freshmen year of highschool, and i did track sophmore and junior year. At the end of junior year my buddies convinced me to try out for football. Since i was a lean runner who could (and still can) take a hit, i went for running back (halfback for all you football nazis out there). I wasnt half bad, got on varsity ahead of a returning player cuz i could run the full football field twice before he could do it once. I was a fast little fucker.

Football was probally the best outlet for my agression and pent up rage at my father. It was also a great release of sex, as the footballers basically got anyone we wanted, including eachother. I wont tell alot of stories here but i fucked and got fucked alot. We basically used the wrestling team who could not win a match to be our slaves for making the school look like shit. i was a god among men when we would win, when i would score. there was a thrill there, a rush that almost beat sex.

But all along i knew something was different about me, we all did the 'help a brother out' but i was far more willing to take it than give it with guys who were bigger than me. Some of the skinny wrestlers i would pound and make scream. but with bigger muscled guys i was on my back legs in the air begging for them to abuse me.

That need still is in me, and it still disturbs me. I love getting fucked, i don't understand it. I don't know if its a habit that formed, a compulsion to serve bigger men that i was unconsciously trained by my father for or if i was naturally going to be a bitch for muscle daddies.

I still dont know. but something in me drives me to engage in risky behavior to get off, to get my hole filled. to 'scratch the itch' that i never knew i had.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Rant: The gay parties political deal with the devil

Difference of opinion is frowned upon in the gay community. Apparently, once you like to have sex with other dudes, it become a requirement that you become a liberal democrat. But much like other parts of the Gay Party Doctrine, i vote fuck that.

I am a libertarian, I always have been. I think the smaller the government is the more individuals will be able to succeed or fail based on their own merits. Should the government kinda play referee sometimes, yes. But right now the government is so big its a crooked ref, that is playing the game for its own benefit.

The deal with the devil has been the democrats will give token support for cosmetic issues that many gays think will fix the emotional holes they have and in return the gay party will give them their full support, and shame all detractors.

So lets play devils advocate (my favorite game from debate).

You say: What are the cosmetic issues that gays think the democrats can fix for them?

Answer: well its simple, gays have seen a "attack" on them by the christian right (really just the westboro baptist church and the egghead on 700 club). Since many conservatives happen to be christian, they see the attack coming from conservatives. This normally comes in the form of gay marriage. I as a person have several issues with gay marraige. And they boil down to 3 points

  1. Since gay people cannot produce children, marriage (as it relates to a family unit recognized by the state) seems a bit unwarranted. At that point marrage becomes a power of attorney agreement. Since my father and my stepmother remain unmarried but came up with a power of attorney agreement between the 2 it was actually cheaper than marriage. The difference is it is much harder for power of attorney agreements to be broken than just getting a divorce, not to mention there is almost no guarentee of support if that breaks apart as there is with normal marrage through the use of alimony and spousal support.
  2. The main reason behind gay marriage is not people in commited relationships wanting to be married. Many of those commited people already have power of attorney, the main thing they want is to be recoginized by the state, as if that recognition will provide some sense of validation for their relationship. Instead of looking to themselves and how to grow their relationship and see what it means for them, they would rather be defined by the state. But even those people are a minority of the gay population. Most gay men will NEVER be in a relationship long enough to consider marriage (unless they go on the celebrity timetable since lets be honest, most gay men idolize divas who burn through husband like i burn though smokes).
  3. I have never heard what happens if a church does not want to provide the ceremony. This point is actually rather small in comparison with the other 2, but its still a big one. Lets say i finally am in a relationship and am commited and need to have the state validate my relationship with marriage. I pick a church, but that church does not do gay weddings. First off when i get pissed and say its my right to have MY wedding in THEIR facility using THEIR priest who do i call? Does the government come in and tell the church they have to perform the ceremony against their will, or do they tell me to fuck off (i prefer the latter).
But this is just one aspect. Gay men (since they are unable to produce children while still being able to fuck like bunnies) are uniquely positioned to be the business dominators of this country. Instead of using the money they would normally spend on raising children and the like, they spend it on designer sunglasses, expensive cars and status symbols that do not actually improve the standard of living for anyone else. If they took that money and invested it in their own education, opened a buisness or started a charity to work with kids gay people could actually be the biggest philanthropists in the world.

Instead they hand that responsibility off to the government and worry about their designer clothes, expensive cars and bash straight people for 'keeping them down' instead of showing them they are the same except they fuck dudes instead of chicks.

Call me self loathing, call me what you will. But i am tired of being bombarded with Democrats talking points on bareback sex blogs. this is the LAST time i will talk politics on this blog, but when i see people who post mostly political posts on a sex blog, ill remove em from my sidebar and remove my subcription.

I know this post did not win me any friends, but thats not what this is for. i write this blog for me. Its a reminder of my journey through my college years, an exploration of my sexual abuse and how i came out of that to become the man i am today, for better or worse.

thats me

so this is me...

Yes im making a stupid face. you can just see that unrestrained and unfocused hostility?

all is good

i got mindtrip in my bed and we are playing old school super mario land. life could be a whole lot worse.
Also guess where this pic was taken and you will win a pic of me unaltered so you can find out who i am

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

5-Loads this year - that's all? Would think that Lloyd would have given you more loads then that in a weekend. Are you on bbrt?

those are PEOPLE not individual loads, id loose count over the year if i counted individual loads. . And yes i am on BBRT and A4A my screename is buckaroo234.

Ask me anything


Hey guys,

So my last post has caused the first bit of controversy with me. But i am actaully taking alot of it to heart.

however i noticed everyone commented anonymous. Now while i believe in the power of anonymous i also would love to have conversations with yall. Especially in those leveling critisism, i do actually like to follow up and try to get clarification. I have begun for some time a self evaluation on myself and that is one of the reasons i needed some outside opinons on if i was too harsh. However some critisism such as 'your self loathing' make no sense. I dont want to go to moderating comments at all... i dont like that, i think it stifles the discussion and turns my blog into the bareback echo chamber where only good things are said that so many others have become. I love negative comments because they do force me to look at myself.

However, all that being said, please if you have a comment account use it, i do actually like to e-mail people and see what they meant. Take it as helping me along a journey of self improvement

how i filter out queens on A4A

This is an actual conversation from my adam4adam account.

I actaully want some feedback on this. He was obviously twinkish and queeny. I wouldnt hit that with the torch of gondor.

Bitchboy: so u gonna tell me what an androphiliac is? Lol

me: google is good isnt it.

Bitchboy: oh... i guess so is there a reason ur bein kinda mean to me?

me: the fact that you think direct answers is being mean is why im not talking to you. there is a difference.

Bitchboy: well i ask because while yes i can go and just google it i would rather just ask u as a reason to talk to u i was using it a topic starter because i really want to talk to u and get to know u but im kinda shy and dont really know how to start conversations with guys that im interested in so i guess im sorry

me: why dont you google it, find out what androphilia and what true masculinity means cuz those are the things i am more interested in than someone who is too scared to say hey bro how is life. Im not going to coddle you and let you not grow as a person, Im a person who likes to be challenged and challenges other people. My challenge to you is to grow a pair and find out the information that is new and then realize what common ground would be and THEN talk to me if your truly interested. Otherwise all this is idle bullshit conversation, and i have better things to do with my life.

Now this conversation is what someone who refuses to leave me the fuck alone gets back from me.

If someone is kinda cool then asks this is the answer someone gets from me.

coolgay: androphiliac is an interesting word to use, why not just gay or bi? Any particular reason?

me: both have a response that is not what i prefer to be associated with. When you think of gay you dont think guys who like guys, you think west hollywood, kathy griffen and lady gaga fans, you think of rainbow flag waivers and men who 'had to get in trouch with their feminine side' and put massive amounts of worth in putting themselves in gay ghettos. I prefer to not be associated with any of those things when referring to myself.

IF someone comes to me knowing what the word means in a real sense then im more inclined to pretend they know what it means.

So seriously, was i too hard on bitchboy?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Zak Spears is Nerdcore

So i was working out at the Hollywood Golds Gym this morning, and i noticed Zak Spears training. Then i realized what the symbol on the hat he always wears there is. He is a member of the horde in WoW. Who would have known that even Zak Spears is a nerd.

Just goes to show, not everyone who plays WoW is a skinny lil nerd or an overweight fatass.

And now, Skippys reading selections

Hey yall.

So umm quick update. hung out with mindtrip again this weekend, and i slept like a damn baby last night in his bed. was awsome.

Also, reading this book called androphilia that i stole from mindtrip. Its fucking amazing. It is everything i wish i could say about gay culture and they gay community but never could. If you can, id recomend picking it up. Amazon is out of stock on it for another month so beware.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Zak Spears.... How i pine for thee

So i went to golds with Mindtrip today and saw my teenage years biggest porn crush

Zak Spears.

Ive always had a thing for muscle daddys... and hes def my favorite. Even now with salt and pepper hair and even bigger muscles, hes fuckin hot. One day it is my goal to take that mofos load. You watch... it will happen

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ask me anything

i seen some of the other guys online are doing this, and its kinda a cool idea. so yeah. Ask me anything

The offer

So mindtrip has offered to make me his boy.


I like this guy alot. We mesh like the flywheel of an engine and overdrive. Like shotgun and Shells.

He gets me, he gets that im damaged goods and knows when im ready to be slave and when i need big bro.

I have never been more scared and excited in my life.

Also, as a good leather mentor does, he gave me my first leather armband while i was down there this weekend.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Why suffer with diet pills when you can enjoy AIDS

ok so i had heard about this, But this was my first time seeing it.

Buddy tells me he wants to be tortured

so we go hang out and shoot some pool. I play the shittiest games EVER. But he says he will help me fix my hair so we head back to my place.

He fixes the few spots on my head i missed when i buzzed my head, aftewards he says he wants to chill so come into my mancave (also known as bedroom). Im fucking with him and he says he wants me to choke him. So i do, he does it for about a good minute then taps out. He puts my hand on his hard dick, so i order him to drop trou. he whimpers.

After hes nekked i end up breaking out the fishing line and clothes pins.

I will leave you with the picture of my art.

I want to let you know he came hands free as i pulled them off and his nerves regained blood flow.

Past Steps: Exposure

Yesterday (the LA leather barbecue) was the first time outside of a doctors office i talked about my exposure and the reason i have raw sex instead of the safer alternative.

As usual at some point the conversation turned to HIV, and they asked if i was poz. So i had to explain my fucked up status and then they asked how i was exposed.

I lost my virginity at 12, tied to a bed face down with a blindfold on. No one was kind enough to loosen me up first, whoever he was just rammed it in. He was not gentile either, he was rough as fuck. By the time he came my hole was a bloody mess, and my blindfold was soaking wet with tears. That was only the start of that night. At some point i think i passed out or blacked out (or maybe just dont remember any of it anymore).

The conversation turned to the original fort troff, and how one guy used to get tied up and blindfolded and they would mark how many guys had fucked him on his legs. Everyone thought that was hot... except me.

After that first time, every weekend my dad would do the same. After that first time tho i fought as hard as i could, but you cannot hurt a man whos spinning. It just does not happen. he would always win and tie my arms, then id fight with my legs till he got them tied. I could not win (part of the reason while i like being tied, i hate being overly dominated). He would rent me out, i never knew how much my hole was worth to him, but he made the money to keep him high all week then when i was back with him the next weekend to play the same game. This went on for years.

Eventually he let me see the regulars that were fucking me on Friday nights, but Saturdays was me tied up face down being essentially raped by men for drug money for my dad.

After a year someone figured this all out and called Child Protective Services on him. The sexual assualts stopped for a while. He got real good at hiding his drug use, and things were going good for a while. But it still came out that at one point in time i did have unprotected sex with multiple men, so they put at the end of my case file to be tested for all STD's and left.

Right before i had to change highschools (to the one that ironically enough Mindtrip went to) i get tested and test poz. This is the start of the 04/05 school year, and i am HIV positive and have never taken a sex ed class. I have had well over 500 sexual partners (many unwilling) but i dont know the first thing about condoms. Ive had so much cum deposited in my guts its not funny.

So they do viral screens for the next couple of years. I start working out and end up on the football team and start packin on muscle (before that i was a cross country runner, sexy legs but nothing uptop) and finally punch my dad. I did to him what would later be defined as 'ground and pound' on him and then walked the 12 miles into town, caught a bus for the next 2 1/2 miles to my moms house.

that was really the end of my forced being whored out, but it would take 4 more years, my discharge from the military and a cross country road trip to begin to repair our relationship.

And while i know the experiences have passed, and the thought of being whored out is kinda fun, once i get somewhere and i get tied into something face down, i freak out. I dont like being fucked from behind for the same reason, Also partially the reason i love slings... i see whos fucking me and theres that connection there. Im not the hugest fan of sex where i cannot see the other person. Gloryholes are fine for sucking dick, but im not getting fucked through one.

And yes i know i tested poz when i was in highschool and since then have never had a viral spike above 50. As my doc says, untill my viral spikes or my CD4 drops, they cant tell if i just have the antibody or if i have the disease. as with so much in my life i fall in a grey area. Based on my creating a kid born without the disease... i think im ok for a while.

But no matter how much time has passed since those days, i dont know if i will ever work through it. When someone wants to fuck me on my stomach or doggy style.... my hands start shaking uncontrollably and i want to punch. i dont know if and when that will change. Maybe one day... maybe...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Weekend with Mindtrip

Mindtrip is not going to like this. I apologize in advance.

every time i hang out with mindtrip i learn new things about myself. Last time he came up here was a lesson in my primal nature. This time was a lesson in our raw humanity and the amount of damaged goods we both are.

i dont know how much im going to go into the weekend becuase it was deep as shit and im going to be dealing with the repercussions of those conversations for the next few weeks and months.

however this new found search for my own humanity has revealed one thing to me. This blog is going to change a bit. Much like Mark from Ibi has done with his Dark Passengers series, so i shall do with my voices series, tales of my past will be past steps and me worried or finally making a decision on my future will also be documented here.

I learned this weekend that i am a dark fucking person sometimes. But im also a human being and i do have something pretty epic in the works. Also, as part of this i know mindtrip is going to see but i wanna show everyone first this is what im gonna rock to LA leather

Friday, March 12, 2010

LA Leather

So Mindtrip is competing in LA Leather. I am going to see him compete. The real question has become what can i do to motivate him more than he already is.

Well... we discussed my idea. Ive decided that im gonna let him breed my 'functionally neg' hole with his poz cum.

If he wins, i promise ill get yall some pics

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Test with a load burning in my guts

Flyboy called me after my marketing class on tuesday, wanted to hang out and play pool. Now one thing about me, i NEVER turn down a chance to play pool. So we head to the local pool hall and grab a table.

Its been years since i last played pool, so my first few games sucked. Flyboy gave me a hint that i always seem to need, bend down lower. The reason i wasnt bending down lower is i didnt want to show my ass off to the whole pool hall, but it was empty and i was starting to feel a lil horny so what the fuck.

I kicked his ass in 3 consecutive games, so he owed me dinner and some other stuff later. We went to dinner, he paid like a good looser does and then we headed to his place. we hang out for a while, watch Zombieland (fucking epic flick btw). 1 movie and a few beers later we head to his bedroom.

We start making out, hardcore body contact, im punching his chest cuz thats what i do, hes rubbing my cock so fucking gently its driving me nuts.

he starts puttin spit on his cock, and i know what hes after, and im so horny i dont really care, as long as i can get my nut off im good. He pushes balls deep and i claw at his back. like a good super horny bottom with a top i trust my eyes rolled into the back of my head and i bascailly melted and let whatever he wanted to do to me happen.

He deposited a big fucking load in my guts and we knocked out. Woke up at 6:30, we ended up jerking off and he busted a nut on my chest, then i had to run to class.

Class was boring, but it was funny cuz the guy sitting next to me was making fun of me for smelling like sex and wearing my clothes from the day before. I think he was jealous.

After class i had to book it to get to my appointment down in Panorama City. Got there with a few minutes to spare and still waited for 30 minutes. Gotta love Kaiser! Anyway, did the bloodwork and talked to my doctor and basically she said what i thought was going on. I been testing poz since i was 14, but since i never had a viral load above 50 she told me im basically neg cuz theres no real proof ive got the virus, just that i have the antibody. She said when my virals get above 50 then she will know im poz, but for 6 years without meds i been below 50... either im super fucking healthy and fought it off, or am super fucking healthy and keep it low or i somehow got the antibody without the virus. No one really knows whats going on with me, but she gave me a 'functionally neg' bill of health. I guess thats good?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

an old ryan sullivan vid

I found this vid the other night going thru ryan sullivans old videos. this one has always intrgued me.

I think its the fact that he edited the 2 scenes together.

the 'poison' consumes his guts and he 'dies' from massive organ failure.

The cum will also consume him. he will feel a need to get it again and again and again and again. The thought will slowly consume his mind, and he will become a cumhole that lives to be bred. It happens to us all after we get cum in our hole. Some mental block falls and a new neural connection is made that makes the human male crave another mans seed in his hole. Its animalistic and feeds our primal nature.

I dont know if Jamie is actually married or not. I dont care. I know married women who know their men are bisexual that let them play in very specific circumstances. That might one day be me getting bred on a TIM camera saying im married and my wife only lets me do this to finance my gun obsession.

THat might be another reason i find this hot, jamie is getting bred and he could easilly be me in 10 years....

Monday, March 8, 2010

The future of lil' skippy

So in about 15 years that pic may be me and my kiddo. So i did my confrence call with the ex, her lawyer and the judge. Apparently she lied to her lawyer about the custody agreements, since i had them in front of me i just gave the judge the reference numbers and he pulled the forms up on their network.

Case dismissed.

She now gets a 5000 fine for abusing the court system.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Flyboy cock in my marine hole

So i met up with a guy off A4A who was supposed to meet up with me a while back. We ended up hanging out and drinking beer for like a few hours, talking shit and me hitting him cuz im a violent lil fucker (but its fun).

we started to fool around when the beer finally got both of us to calm down and we went back to his bedroom. he got naked and stripped off my shirt and dove in suckin on my nips and eating my pits. my cock was a fuckin diamond cutter in my jock while he fuckin licked my whole body clean. as he was working down my stomach he undid my pants and pulled em off. after he had my jeans off he threw my legs up by his head and started eating my hole. he started pushing a shit load of spit in my hole. once he was happy with how wet my hole was he puled my jock off and went down on my cock like he was starving.

He gave me primo head for a while before i flipped him over and chowed down on his fuckin flyboy cock. between the 2 of us you could only hear the gutteral grunts of mansex.

This was not no twinkish shit you will see in eastern european porn, this was 2 guys feeling a deep need to please the other person. It was animal, it was gutteral it was raw.

After i got his dick wet he flipped me onto my back and shoved his cock into my hole and but my fucking neck. I melted. He pummeled my hole for a while but neither of us was close so we stopped and crashed out. About 3 hours later i wake up with him over me pushing his cock in my hole. It only takes about 15 mins before we are both busting our nuts before we both pass out again.

I had 8am class so his alarm went off at 6:30, and we both woke up with diamondcutters. He sat on my chest and got me to suck on his cock for a bit, and i was slowly getting my dick wet with his spit to stick into his hole. I pushed him back onto it and his eyes rolled into the back of his head while he gave me a morning ride. It only took a few minutes before i was giving him my morning load and he was spraying my chest with millions of future children.

we laid together for about 10 more minutes before we decided i had to run to get to class on time, no time to shower so i went to class with his load in my ass, his load on my chest and smelling like sex.

not a bad monday if you ask me!

Also, aced my buisness test if anyone cared. Didnt study, was too busy sucking cock the night before ;)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

My ex is a fucking cunt

Ok. if your looking for sex, this is prolly not a post for you.

So some of you know i have a son, hes 1 year old and lives with his mother in Miami. we came to an agreement that she would have sole custody till he was 5 then i would have custody and she would have visitation if she wanted. So friday she serves me with papers. I dont see them till today cuz ive been lazy and shit. So now im supposed to fly my ass out to florida to get this shit settled. Not going to happen, i dont have any money. Luckily the judge is one of my college buddies parents so i might be able to work something out. Have to do a conference call tomorrow, which means my test in panorama city to see if im poz or neg is pushed to wendsday.

But the good news is i heard him talk on the phone with me today after me and the ex had an argument. I dont know what she is doing, but hopefully i end up with my son outta all this. I have no money and everything, but there is nothing better than having my own flesh and blood where i can take care of him.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Sucking Dick in Walmart: A how to guide

So if you get horny at walmart (it happens) i have a simple how to guide to suck and get sucked.

  1. Use the back bathroom, its normally where the site to store/layaway office are, its less frequented by security.
  2. sit in a stall and start playin with it, but dont lock the stall.
  3. wait for hot hairy mexican father with son to come in, have him suck dick while son watches.
  4. make mexican father swallow.
  5. Let mexican father bust nut on floor.
  6. watch father explain to his son to not tell his mom about that.
i wish i got his number, nothing would be hotter than watchin the 2 have a conversation about what happened later that night. Watch the dad teach his kid to jerk off, how to suck cock, how to fuck and git fucked.

Maybe one day i can teach my kid that way, until then ill let horny fathers blow me and let their sons watch.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

a little explination is in order

Ok so i got a few questions on this so ill answer it.

Yes i was the guest writer on Life in the raw with mindtrip for like a day. I said that in my very first post on this blog.

Now as an explination on why that didnt work out?

Prolly has to do with me trying to fix the load counter and fucking EVERYTHING up. and i mean everything. I have no idea how i did it, how mindtrip fixed it. no clue. I lost the pic he had up there, and then i posted one pic of him sucking my dick and im guessin he got pissed and said FUCK THIS SHIT and said go start your own (even tho we did mutually agree).

It would have been cool to be the west coast Matt and dan but i guess it want part of the plan. I do kinda like havin my own place to fuck up if i choose.

Now if only more people left comments....

Edit: As per another question yeah the pic up top is me

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Queeny Fucks....

so i hooked up with this queeny guy (QB) on A4A today. Oral guy, ill rape his face i dont care. However...

This guy made me want to punch him so many times. He gave bad head, he had a queeny voice, he was racist as fuck. Overall, i had to force myself to unclench my fists.

fucker didnt deserve my load, and he didnt get it.

On the other side of the spectrum i hung out with Big Tom before QB (queeny bear). We talked about whats going on with my serostatus since its been fucked up for the past 6 years (yes i did mean 6 as in six...) and he agreed with me to go down to Panorama City to talk to the doc i used to have at Kaiser and see if she can help me, cuz the doc up here is a Giant Douche. We hung out, we talked ink, i told him im headed to LA leather so he might go down with me. We talked about how high i have to get to get on meds, overall a much better experience than hanging with QB or QC in the past few days.

Seriously tho ive been walking around with clenched fists, i want to punch these queeny fucking bastards that dont know how the fuck to grow a pair and act like a man. I dont get it. but whatever. Cant wait till next weekend got a full day in LA, LA county musuem of art, hanging out with some buds in Culver City and then hanging with Mindtrip. I cant fucking wait

LA Leather

So Mindtrip has his shit all figured out for LA leather, and i wanna go watch him win that shit.


The only leather i got is a harness. I know somewhere there is a collar, but im not sure where, and i def aint a boy anymore so i aint wearing that.

Mindtrip says rock torn blue jeans and the harness and call it dodge. And while im inclined to agree, i still feel like i should rock some more. One of my boys said i should rock an armband, and i might... if i can wrangle up the cash for one.

So what are yalls ideas on what to rock. I never been to LA leather so idk what the scene is... but im thinkin clothes can always come off, but its hard to get them on if i go nekked.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Cunt in the Computer Lab

So i was ordering a new screen for my laptop. Fucking POS fell around haloween and i have yet to get around fixing it. So i ordered the screen and signed off and was walking outta the computer lab when my buddy comes in and we shoot the shit in the hall for a bit. I made a sexist joke saying we should stay off the road cuz his girlfriend is driving his truck (he drives a raised F350, i admit i cant even drive that fucker without hitting a curb... im used to my ranger). Some cunt walking outta the computer lab called me a mysogonist. I had to summon my inner Tucker Max to respond.

what i said wasn't misogynist, now if i had said that women should be chained to the stove with only enough slack to reach the bedroom because those are the only two places they belong. That woudl be mysogynistic. What i said was sexist, And a joke.

It makes me happy to put bitches in their place.

Monday, March 1, 2010

what is it with college bathrooms and twink riders

So i was in the library doing my marketing homework today,

and once again i had to piss like a motherfucker. Got into the bathroom, both urinals were taken so i hit a stall. After the pissers left i had the bright idea of strokin off in the bathroom so i could focus better and quit playin with my cock while doing my homework. So i sit and start strokin it. Well thats when this queeny cunt comes in and opens my door to the stall (cuz im a moron and forgot to lock it).

Now normally this is the kinda queer id kick off my cock, too queeny for my load but since i might be caryin the bug, i deceided fuck it if i got it this boy fucking deserves it.

Queeny Cunt (aka QC) starts sloberin on my knob, sweet. But you know when somone sucks you off and you know they are just lubin yer cock. thats what QC was doing.

He gets me wet, puts spit on his own hole and sits on my cock. Mind you i havent so much as lifted a finger, all i did was unbutton my shirt and put my hands behind my head. So QC is riding my cock, the stall door is still unlocked, and im in hog heaven about to breed a kid and maybe give him some charged load. Mindtrip would be proud.

The kids hole is loose as fuck, not grippin my cock so i really cant say its good sex, but since its suprise sex, i should be happy as fuck to get it. I get close, dont tell him shit, grab his sholders and pull him down on my cock to unload. Bitch apparently didnt want to get bred, but he didnt have a choice in the matter. When i was done bustin my nut and i gained my breath back, i hauled up my jeans, and pulled outta his loose hole. washed my hands and headed back to the desk i was using. Got my homework done and hopefully i dont gotta deal with QC's anger if i did poz him, but based on how loose the cunts hole was, i doubt im the only one he would be mad at.