Monday, May 31, 2010
Now i think its awsome a guy in a wheelchair won. More fucking power to him. What bothers me is that the winner is trans. IML is Internation MR LEATHER not International WTF LEATHER. I started hitting leather bars when i was in highschool (my mom got me a fake id cuz... we were a CPS officers wet dream). When i would go i felt like i was around MEN. something has happened in the last 5 years, either its the colapse of west hollywoods club scene so the queens go to the leather bars, Polarization in the gay community and the queens are taking over everything now, or the leather community is loosing its veneer of masculinity. Theres a 4th option that is the most likely though, my standards of masculinity are changing.
I remember when the leather community CELEBRATED masculinity, when the most masculine guy would win an event. When being strong morally was a good thing. I remember these things. I dont know what has happened but i feel something has been lost in the community. This victory is going a step to help me realize what it was, that masculinity is a short commodity, and that its being lost all the time.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Ive been to pride before, and i never feel very prideful. What do i have to be proud of simply for being gay? What have i achieved by being gay other than notches in my belt?
I have pride in being an american, because i still think as americans we are the last line of freedom in this world. Is that way gay pride is supposed to be about, being proud that you use your freedom? If so, i dont understand how men in drag and a giant penis costume should make me feel proud.
Gay pride is a relic. Much like a corded telephone, its a means to an end of a past era. Its a remnant of the gay solidarity movement of the 70's and 80's. but its been 20-30 years since gay solidarity morphed into the Group-think apparatchik i call the gay party.
What as a gay man do i have to be proud of?
Gays can do hair?
The gay solidarity movement of the 70's and early 80's is a group i can look to with respect. These were gay guys who were willing to walk around with steel poles and fight quite violently for their rights to be who they are, and THAT i can be proud of. But im not of that generation. I can have admiration for them, just like i have admiration for the USMC Generals of the previous wars, but i cannot be proud of accomplishments i have not made.
What as a gay man do i have to be proud of?
What has the gay solidarity movement become? A group of men in leather carying steel pipes to bash in the heads of cops who would arrest them to the GLSEN bitching about using the term gay as stupid? REALLY? This is what the Gay Party is giving me and my generation to be proud of. Whining about slang. In highschool i had the word FAG carved into my locker in the locker room. Did i go bitch and complain to anyone? HELL NO. I broke the motherfuckers rib and got suspended for a week. But no one EVER thought of fucking with me again.
I guess as a gay man i can be proud i stood up for myself. But instead of being proud as a gay man, i choose to be proud as a MAN.
I ask you, people who are tired of being hyphenated americans to stand up and say I AM MAN FIRST, GAY/BISEXUAL/WHITE/BLACK/MEXICAN/QUEER/WHATEVER SECOND. I do not identify with those who claim to fight on my behalf. I dont live in that world. Gay marriage isnt going to help me put food on my table, find a job or do any of that. And quite honestly, im not the type that would ever marry. If i did get that far in a relationship with a dude and decided that him and no others ever then thats between me and him. We can figure out legal ways around the system, and there are many. Power of attorney, making them legal dependents. Whatever we have to do we can figure something out to make it work.
That makes a man, the ability to judge someone based on who they are not what they are. Judge a man by what he does not who he does.
The men and women of the age of stonewall have my upmost respect and deepest gratitude. Unfortunately you left the ship in the hands of morons, hopefully a course correction can be done soon before the ship sinks up its own indignant asshole
Based on what i know about the majority of people who come to my site.... NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT TO JUDGE ME. Im going to pick on 2 people, because i know they can take it, im gonna pick on Mindtrip and Mark from IBI.
Mindtrip is a Poz top, who frequently fucks bottoms who may or may not be neg inadverntely sharing HIV among the people he fucks. And im the mean person becuase i like to fuck with people?
Mark is a untested guy who used to destroy condoms to get his seed in other people, and IM THE MEAN PERSON?
I dont pass judgement on these guys becuase 1. they are cool as hell and 2. its not my place to judge them.
I enjoy fucking with people who are nice because they are stupid. They are too stupid to make witty comebacks, to socially inept to understand sarcasm and outside thinking. They are products of our educational system and they fail every time. Thats whats fun. IF im truly an asshole for these things then these other men must go down with me. Agree with me or disgaree with me as you see fit, at least be consistent with your rage.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Slang .a.an object of derision, scorn, manipulation, or the like: He was an easy mark for criticism.
b.the intended victim of a swindler, hustler, or the like: The cardsharps picked their marks from among the tourists on the cruise ship.
Why are nice guys marks? Or more importantly, why are nice guys EASY marks.
I know this will get me called an asshole, a jailworthy dick or the like, but i dont care. Why are nice guys easy marks?
I was trolling A4A looking not to fuck, but to fuck with people. And ive just found nice guys are so easy to fuck with. Sarcasm is lost on them. Context is a word they never learned in highschool or in getting their liberal arts degree. they make it so easy to fuck with them, i cant not. Its my civic duty to remind these people they are wastes of flesh and questioning my belief if humanity is truly sentient or not.
This is also true in real life. One of my pastimes is going into the liberal arts building at my college and talking to the philosophy majors (who the fuck majors in philosophy and how do you support yourself in the real world with a degree in philosophy?). Now i am a student of Ayn Rands objectivism which holds:
that reality exists independent of consciousness; that individual persons are in direct contact with reality through sensory perception; that human beings can gain objective knowledge from perception through the process of concept formation and inductive and deductive logic; that the proper moral purpose of one's life is the pursuit of one's own happiness or rational self-interest; that the only social system consistent with this morality is full respect for individual rights, embodied in pure laissez faire capitalism; and that the role of art in human life is to transform man's widest metaphysical ideas, by selective reproduction of reality, into a physical form—a work of art—that he can comprehend and to which he can respond emotionally.In essensce i think man is smart enough to make a rational decision about himself and that you can judge a man by his actions. SO i love fucking with philosophy majors, I throw in some sarte to throw them off on a line of questioning and i always walk away with my faith in the rationality of people shaken yet highly entertained.
Monday, May 24, 2010
So im sure its a valiant attempt to change speech and all. And im sure some thin skinned queens get their panties in a twist about this shit. But seriously, fucking grow a pair. This is retarded.
Even the gay people i know say thats so gay to decribe shitty things. Its part of the vernacular of the country. Its called growing a thick skin and getting over it. I was a minority at my highschool, i was picked on becuase i was white and becuase i sucked dick. Did i go crying to the ACLU or the GLSEN or the GSA? NO. I learned to fight back, and i broke a fuckers rib and another guys nose. I dont know why this is so hard for kids to do now. Has society been so de-balled throwing a punch do defend yourself is now wrong. Have we so sterilized our environment that kids and adults have this thin of a skin.
Let me know, because i am still of the school that if you dont like something you stand up for yourself and change things slowly instead of an add campaign that makes gay people look like catty fucktards. Altho that may be the image GLSEN are trying to promote with all their public campaigns in which case they are super effective.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I had a job interview thursday, so i decided instead of trying to drive down to downtown LA early thursday morning, id take the train down to LA Wednesday and hang out with Mindtrip then do the interview and take the train back up to hell.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
On January 3rd 2010 i enrolled into the Delayed Entry Program (DEP) for the United States Marine Corps, with a ship-out date of August 20th.
Part of being in DEP is doing group PT to 'get you ready for boot camp'. What its really for is getting your fat ass to pass the IST. Over the next few months i was a machine. I worked out, i ran, i did pull ups, i ate healthy. I also started to gain some disipline. However sometimes i had to work late and would miss PT. My favorite was when i finally was allowed to lead PT. We did hard workouts and went home sore as balls. For the first time in my life i really felt like i belonged. I loved every second of it. The people were awsome. Even the people i hated and got me in trouble were cool as hell.
It just kept going, week after week, month after month, pool function after pool function. In july, my buddies from highschool decided an ireland trip was needed, and so they paid for my airfare and my hotel, and paid for some food and drinks. It was an amazing trip, i have never felt so fat in my life and never realized drinking with breakfast was normal. When i got back from Ireland, i found out i was getting laid off from work, which was fine as i was leaving soon anyway. I packed up all my stuff in my truck and drove from Miami to Durham to drop it all off with my sister. Then i came back to Miami and shipped to bootcamp.
August 20th i formally enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. I shipped to MCRD Parris Island that day.
It was the single scariest moment of my life. Standing on yellow footprints outside the massive (looking) brick building. Amazed at what i was doing, and how my life was going to change. The next 72 hours were a blur. We were kept from sleeping to adjust our sleep clocks in line with what the USMC wanted of us. We cleaned our squad bay. made our racks and i remember the first shower i had in 3 days, granted was only 4 minutes long but it was the most glorious 4 minutes of my life. Processing week is what processing week is, bullshit paperwork followed by more bullshit paperwork followed by more bullshit tests. The friday after i got on the island forming started. We met our drill instructors and thats when fear set in. I have to say for a Drill Instructor team, mine was not that bad. Our senior was awesome, our 2 'kill hats' were the devil and our actual instructor was fairly patient compared to others.
I was recruit 33. My rifle number was 19211014. My lock combination was 22-32-10.
In training week 1 i was Second Squad leader. That same week I lost a recruit to dehydration on the PT field. His heart boiled while he ran. His final core temp was 115ish. That afternoon the whole platoon drank 4 canteens or until we puked. We were then given a gatorade to have on our footlockers for the night to replenish the salts we needed. I had firewatch that night.
1 week into recruit training in the USMC and already i allowed one of my men to die under my watch. It was heartbreaking to me. I questioned time and time again during my 2 hours of firewatch (i was being punished and rightly so) what my future in the USMC would be. Did i even deserve to wear the uniform. My constitution was shaken and i dont think it ever recovered.
The next week was me always on the quarterdeck and sandpit. Again, deservedly. During morning cleanup i made the entire squad drink at least 1 canteen. Any time i was allowed to do something with my squad they were drinking a canteen. I think my squad was the only squad to drink the 7-10 canteens they needed.
The friday following we had PT. It was hard, but i was with senior as he liked working with second squad (he also did not trust me to make sure my squad was drinking water). We were doing the Gunnies Cycle and we got to burpie pullups. My body was killing me from the quarter deck and the sandpit. I went to do them trying to be big and bad and it happened. I jupmped up to grab the bar, my right arm caught it, my left arm didnt and my shoulder pulled out. I fell off the bar and screamed fuck. Then i tried to get the guy next to me to pop my shoulder back in place. He couldnt do it. By then senior had seen and came over and i knew my career with the USMC was over. Done. And i was right. I was done.
I was in Branch Medical in 10 minutes. My shoulder was reset and i had a medboard the very same day.
I entered RSP that monday. I was gone by the following tuesday.
I spent 1 full month in the United States Marine Corps. I learned alot of things while i was there. But im not sure if it was good for me in the long run. I know i miss it and if i ever had another chance, i would most likely join again.
I feel that i failed everyone at the same time. My mother has had to let me back into her house. My father and mother have to support me and now i cant even find a job to earn my keep.
I have no real idea how to deal with this. Its been 8 months, but still dont know how to feel about all this. I ignore it most of the time to get through daily life, but i miss it so bad. I miss the structure, i miss the not worrying about bills and food. I miss the life. Most of all i miss my buddies. They have all gone on to job training, to deployments and they tell me i was lucky. But all i want is to be where they are, doing what they are doing fighting for me and my way of life, but instead im here doing nothing while they fight and die.
i feel worthless. Discarded. Used.
And the worst part is, this time i did it to myself.
Thats how i feel right now. Like im an imposter in this body. The skippy i know is sucessfull, works, and fucks a ton. This imposter in my body is barely scraping by, is exhausted all the time and has almost no sex life despite being horny as fuck.
Who the hell stole the Skippy i was?
Did the USMC break me down this much, then never re-build me so i am leaving as broken goods?
Has the shitty economy so drained my hope for the future i have reached 'fuck it' status?
Or am i finally facing real and true depression, without reason or justification?
I am unsure. I joked this week about teenage girls who write 'livejournal, sometimes i think your the only one who gets me'. Now i am no where near that level. But i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. Im shy, im scared, im unsure. I am all the things i hate in others. And the worst part, i dont remember how to be strong.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Its question time. What makes a man masculine.
Or more importantly. What makes this guy less masculine than say this guy:
Sunday, May 9, 2010
IT was a night that every good country boy would be proud of.
And no i did not drive drunk, stayed until about 7am till i was good to drive, then came straight home and passed the fuck out. I may be a dumb country boy but i aint that dumb.
In other news.... might have a hookup next week after class so ill let yall know how that pans out. Also got approved for amazon associates so help skippy buy books for school by buying books for fun!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
everything with me comes down to personality (part of why get laid so fucking often). If a man looks like Zak Spears but talks like jack from will and grace... i loose my hardon. Same thing with chicks, they could have the most rockin bod ever but if they talk like zak spears im done. I like my men to be men and my women to be women. however i hate gossip and bitches that make catty fucking remarks.
But since im sure this question was about physically in guys i like them to be fairly built. I, unlike many, actually like a bit of a fratboy beer gut (aka not a chissled 6 pack) as long as the rest of them is good. Also the beer gut shows a bit of a propensity for not acting like a catty bitch.
In women its all about the T and A. A chick with nice tits and a decent ass who aint a bitch and who can eat a double double, i will put a ring on it faster than you can say STOP DESTROYING MUSIC BEYONCE.
For me actual fucking is a minor part of a hookup, i like hanging out for a bit, foreplay, fucking, then hanging then leaving. Which is why i dont do the random hook up scene very much. If i know what im getting into is a random quickie fuck i obviously work that system, but i prefer to meet people i will chill with.
Friday, May 7, 2010
HAHA, so i found out this paper i wrote for my art class... apparently not a big deal cuz I FUCKING ACED IT. So since my sex life has been nill lateley due to work (fuck yes i got a job!) and School (fuck yes i have a 3.5 GPA!) i thought this update would be giving you this paper i aced.
Also, this weekend is celebratory... might hang with flyboy again :D
Quick note, this paper was written in about 1 hour before class. IT was a comparitive essay so we had to find a yardstick and compare and contrast 2 works of art. Both of these works can be seen at LACMA (Los Angeles County Musuem of Art). I am actually wondering what people think of it, i think she just gave me an A cuz she was tired of reading papers.
The Unchanging Standards of Masculinity In Art
Masculinity, and its counterpoint femininity, is one of the few things in society that has not changed in the thousands of years of society. Society has changed, it has changed the rules and dictated importance away from men being more masculine, but that does not negate its impact
The Bateman Mercury is one of the oldest surviving Greek replicas. It is a roman re-production of the Greek god Hermes
The Mercury shows off his masculine credentials in a few ways. His winged helmet indicates a certain amount of combat readiness. He shows a strong body in the defined muscles of his shoulders, chest, stomach and legs. He is nude, one of the ways men like to show off their masculinity, being nude in the presence of other men to show off their physical size (this manifests today in the locker rooms at gym, however briefly they may be nude). This masculinity is juxtaposed onto a very feminine pose, with his left arm to his lower back and his right arm supposedly leaning on a column. However this effeminacy may be a result of us not seeing his arms, as they have been broken off, and the fact we do not know what else was around the Mercury statue in roman times. In my personal opinion I like to think of his missing arm holding a football, or doing something physical.
The Bateman Mercury is a great show of the Romans filling their cities with sculptures of masculine men as gods. It was part of their warrior culture, to conquest new lands they needed strong men to fight. They also needed men of strong character to work in the markets, men of intellect to design new buildings and help solve Rome’s ever present housing shortage. The same could be said of Europe in the early 20th century. Before the Second World War, much of Europe, like Rome before it, was busy controlling its colonies. This colonialism required young men to join the military and fight for the interests of its homeland. Whether they agreed with colonialism or not, many artists of the time helped re-enforce the romantic vision of soldiers going to war. Many went back to the Greek and roman form of nude males fighting to help show this masculine ideal. One of the most famous was Auguste Rodin, who showed males almost exclusively in the nude, but one of his students would create a sculpture that would truly show off a celebration of masculinity.
Antoine Bourdelle first started working for Rodin in 1893. Their work together on The Gates, Rodin’s sculpture of a great door
Masculinity may be an ideal, but like all ideals many fall short. Luckily masculinity comes built in with its very own yardstick to compare. The Bateman Mercury is not a guy to mess with to be sure, but I think if most guys had to get into a physical altercation (for many the best test of physical strength) they would prefer to take Mercury to Herkales. In the strength of character department, while Mercury looks like he would fight for what he believes in, utilizing his physical and emotional strength, herkales shows that in the act, proving without a shadow of a doubt he will fight for what he believes in, be it food, freedom or women, he will fight for those things which does show him to be more of a man than mercury.
Masculinity is an ideal to be held to. We all fall short many times, but art does a good job of reminding us what that ideal is. It can be as simple as a United States Marine Corps recruitment add, or a sculpture of herkales firing his bow, or even mercury leaning on a column, it all helps to build in a man’s mind that he must be held to a standard higher than he holds himself. Modern society may try to rid the world of masculinity and violence, but it is those things that help men learn their place, and work to improve their lot in life. Without the masculine drive, and without the push for strength in every area of their lives, men would become women and the fragile balance that holds our sexes together would crumble.