Thursday, September 30, 2010
Well GLADD didnt take my advice, they kept running the adds and when highschool started i noticed something with my littles. More of the gay kids were getting beat up than last year. ALOT more. I dont know if its correlation or causation, but its very odd that the gay establishment starts a campaign and now we have 3 dead gay kids.
But there is hope my friends. There is a project that i can get behind, its not done by the gay establishment, its honest and for the first time, its hopeful. I could have used someone telling me it gets better when i was in highschool.
So go here and submit a video, leave a comment and help get the word out on this project that actually will help make a difference.
Now i want to ask something of my gay friends and fellow bloggers who are jumping to hyperbole and dramatization of these events. Gays are not second class citizens. Bullying is not a new phenomenon neither are sucides in teens or young adults. I lost friends in highschool to suicide and hell, almost commited it a few times myself. Unfortunately, all this raising awareness might seem great and even feel good. But i can tell you right now, without a shadow of a doubt more kids are going to get bullied because this raising awareness pisses off parents, the kids see pissed off parents and replicate behaviors and are beating up fags in the hallways at school. Then i get calls from DFS case workers and have to pick kids up from school.
For once, how bout gay people go to highschools and SEE what happens to gay kids. maybe then, they would know what they need. They dont need an outreach program, a fundraiser, a plea on Ellen, they need a hug. And i know there are enough angry gays out there who can give some gay highschoolers some hugs.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Well, i did get stuck. In sand, While driving down a dirt road trying to get as far from civilization as possible.And i suceedded, it took the tow company an hour to get out to me and winch me out. In that hour, i had some time to think. And i stared at the stars. And i found a bit of my sanity, a bit of my health, a bit of my happiness and a bit of my selfworth out there.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I was supposed to do laundry, and i was gonna have a trick over to plow hole, but i just didnt. The pills are making me more depressed than i was i guess. Idk... maybe its a combo of this and the fact that the guy i like and want to hang with more than anything is at folsom, and i cant go cuz my sister picked this of all weekends to come out and celebrate her graduating from grad school.
I dont know, maybe its everything. Work is sucking, life is generally not the greatest right now, but at the same time i got so much to be happy about im kicking myself for feeling like shit. I just dont know...
Monday, September 20, 2010
Mindtrip also called me on something last night, and its been burning my brain since. He said i was expecting to be given certianty while being uncertian myself. His honesty reminded me of one of the Marine Corps credos, Something Given Has No Value. Everything i had i earned. Now it seems i am expecting to be given something without any real earning process... and thats unacceptable.
A boy does not get a collar, he earns it from his sir. Thats what i must do, i cannot expect other people to give me what i am not willing to earn. If im not willing to earn it, then i do not deserve it.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I decided since my life has been shit lately i needed an escape, so i went to the Bondage County Fair....
So since i know the LA Band of Brothers (thanks Mindtrip) i get coerced into helping at these events, and since i also like to be early i do set up. However, im greener than a leaf when it comes to some of the bondage shit, and one of the brothers knows it. So he likes to introduce me to things.... This time was rope play and pain play.
So im told (not asked, because a boy does not have an opinion on these matters) that i am to be tied up. So one of the members of the LABOB starts tying me up. Its one of the most erotic things of my life. i have this massivly muscled, unbeliveably sexy man touching my body and running rope around it. Holy jesus mary and joseph. It takes him about 20 mins to get the harness roped around right. And dear god... i loved it.
So they do their whole event thing, im tied up and they introduce me as bondage boy... this is when i knew the night was taking a turn for the worse. However, i figured they will take care of me, The BOB has taken charge of me for the night and the Sir always watches after their Boys. And while that is true, apparently i forgot one little thing, telling the BOB my limit.
So they break out clothespins and are selling the rights to put 5 clothespins on or take 5 clothespins off. Now im not normally a problem with this, but i aint a pain pig. Nor do i have a west hollywood body where i look good in a jockstrap tied up. But such is life.
So they leave these on for 30 mins, till Sir Ian comes over and says that these pins are far too rough for a beginner who isnt a pain pig, and compliments me on my being a good sport about it.
Then my shift is over, my buddy comes over and tells me to bite his arm while they take off all the pins. At once. I am then untied and cannot stand. But it was fun none the less.
Mr Gerle, if your reading this. Any time you want to play with rope and me again, feel free. Same to you Sir Ian...
None the less, these guys broke me out of my funk. That added with a long conversation with my Crush/Sir confusing thing made me happy. Ill explain all that in another post.... i promise
EDIT: pics had to be pulled, got in trouble at work
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
my status has been floating back and forth between neg and poz for as long as i can remember, a leftover of my dads fun adventures with meth. But i knew at some point this day was coming, so i guess i resigned myself to it a long time ago. Mind you the only thing i changed in my behavior was stopped working out as crazy while i was working at nasa. Now i gotta get back to that to drive my natural VL back to undetectable
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I came across an add that would end up changing my life. It was a boy whos Sir had just kicked him out for fucking without being asked first. Thats a big issue, and the boy was punished by not being able to talk to his sir anymore. He was lost, but still held what i can only describe as reverence to his Sir. My poor little 18 year old brain could not handle that. With all my hate for everyone that had done me wrong in my life it was something i could not understand. How can someone write you off and you still feel that your Sir has your best interests at heart.
So i did what i normally do when im confused by something, i reasearch into it, and got introduced to 3 words that would change my life. Honor, Duty and Commitment. It is not only ironic but very telling that those words that i was led to by somoenes complete submission to his Sir would be the guiding lights of the United States Marine Corps.
But how was i driven to those words by a BDSM relationship ending? Its an odd line, and thank God for it.
It started in my feeling awful about my body and not eating phase of my existence.I met a Sir who while not taking me as a boy, would answer my questions when i would ask them, and i was kinda a pain about it, i asked alot of questions. Through our conversations i learned alot, not about specific actions but attitudes that were to be expected of me if i were to become a boy. Submission became a small piece of the puzzle as much as pleasing my Sir would become a larger one. I began to realize that your honor, duty and commitment were all shown towards your Sir, and your actions reflected less on you and more on your Sir. If you had a strict Sir you had a strict life and if you had an easy going Sir you had an easy going life, but either way your life reflected on your Sir.
This became reinforced during my short military career. My actions did not only reflect on me, but they reflected on my squad, my platoon, my company and even my battalion and all the officers and senior enlisted in that tree. The joke is that all marines are bottoms and submissive, well it dont take much to realize why, we are trained to have our actions reflect on those above us.
Honor: Displaying honor is by acting honorably towards your Sir and any others you are instructed to.
Duty: You have a duty to pay respect and even reverence if thats what your Sir asks of you
Commitment: You must be commited to serving your Sir well.
These ideas form the basis of my understanding of the Sir/boy relationship dynamic. It is with this knowledge i can say i am interested in possibly having a Sir/boy relationship. That again is dependent on me finding a Sir i can be compatable with. Thats the rub, and thats the next step on this journey.
Also, skippy has a massive crush on someone
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Here's the deal. I made plans to hang with a guy who was crashing with flyboys roommate. I said i was gonna stop by my place and shower and grab some grub then I'd head over. As I got out of the shower I for a a package is been waiting on, a part for the bike im rebuilding. So I went over to my buddies place to put it on. I textedbhim sayin i had to rain check to do this, and he got pissy and said he prefers honesty and I was playing games. I called bullshit. He went silent. After I was done I scrubbed myself with Orange goup and went to my dads.
So when the fuck did I play games in this? I'm thinking this mouth be a donut hole situation, since Im in the middle I can only see the situation not everything else.
But there is another thing I've been told recently. That I'm too vague. I'm wondering now if the politically correct atmosphere of NASA has made me the kind clerson I hate. ironically I've also been gettin told I'm too blunt for my own good. I'm just voting to go back to being an asshole. Things are easier that way.