Past Steps: Exposure

Yesterday (the LA leather barbecue) was the first time outside of a doctors office i talked about my exposure and the reason i have raw sex instead of the safer alternative.

As usual at some point the conversation turned to HIV, and they asked if i was poz. So i had to explain my fucked up status and then they asked how i was exposed.

I lost my virginity at 12, tied to a bed face down with a blindfold on. No one was kind enough to loosen me up first, whoever he was just rammed it in. He was not gentile either, he was rough as fuck. By the time he came my hole was a bloody mess, and my blindfold was soaking wet with tears. That was only the start of that night. At some point i think i passed out or blacked out (or maybe just dont remember any of it anymore).

The conversation turned to the original fort troff, and how one guy used to get tied up and blindfolded and they would mark how many guys had fucked him on his legs. Everyone thought that was hot... except me.

After that first time, every weekend my dad would do the same. After that first time tho i fought as hard as i could, but you cannot hurt a man whos spinning. It just does not happen. he would always win and tie my arms, then id fight with my legs till he got them tied. I could not win (part of the reason while i like being tied, i hate being overly dominated). He would rent me out, i never knew how much my hole was worth to him, but he made the money to keep him high all week then when i was back with him the next weekend to play the same game. This went on for years.

Eventually he let me see the regulars that were fucking me on Friday nights, but Saturdays was me tied up face down being essentially raped by men for drug money for my dad.

After a year someone figured this all out and called Child Protective Services on him. The sexual assualts stopped for a while. He got real good at hiding his drug use, and things were going good for a while. But it still came out that at one point in time i did have unprotected sex with multiple men, so they put at the end of my case file to be tested for all STD's and left.

Right before i had to change highschools (to the one that ironically enough Mindtrip went to) i get tested and test poz. This is the start of the 04/05 school year, and i am HIV positive and have never taken a sex ed class. I have had well over 500 sexual partners (many unwilling) but i dont know the first thing about condoms. Ive had so much cum deposited in my guts its not funny.

So they do viral screens for the next couple of years. I start working out and end up on the football team and start packin on muscle (before that i was a cross country runner, sexy legs but nothing uptop) and finally punch my dad. I did to him what would later be defined as 'ground and pound' on him and then walked the 12 miles into town, caught a bus for the next 2 1/2 miles to my moms house.

that was really the end of my forced being whored out, but it would take 4 more years, my discharge from the military and a cross country road trip to begin to repair our relationship.

And while i know the experiences have passed, and the thought of being whored out is kinda fun, once i get somewhere and i get tied into something face down, i freak out. I dont like being fucked from behind for the same reason, Also partially the reason i love slings... i see whos fucking me and theres that connection there. Im not the hugest fan of sex where i cannot see the other person. Gloryholes are fine for sucking dick, but im not getting fucked through one.

And yes i know i tested poz when i was in highschool and since then have never had a viral spike above 50. As my doc says, untill my viral spikes or my CD4 drops, they cant tell if i just have the antibody or if i have the disease. as with so much in my life i fall in a grey area. Based on my creating a kid born without the disease... i think im ok for a while.

But no matter how much time has passed since those days, i dont know if i will ever work through it. When someone wants to fuck me on my stomach or doggy style.... my hands start shaking uncontrollably and i want to punch. i dont know if and when that will change. Maybe one day... maybe...