Past Steps: Disorder

I finished out my senior year a legend in my class. I ended up getting a summer internship at a pro audio company in Miami, so 1 week after graduation i was across the country and for the first time on my own.

Id like to say i went wild, had massive parties and fucked like a whore, but that would be a lie. Actually i was fucking scared shitless, so i stayed kinda quiet for a while. Me and my roomate ended up being buddies, i loved the job, i loved the beach and i loved pretty much everything about miami. We had a few parties near the end of summer, and i ended up staying on as a full time employee in Miami. Shortly after i moved back to miami with my car, i started to hit a bit of the club scene in south beach. It was then i noticed alot of the club guys had perfect cut abs, big arms and i had neither. I also saw alot of the guys looked like little boys, no hair, no muscle just small. Both of those guys were getting all the attention. I looked like a normal guy, not fat but a lil around the waist, not big arms and decent legs. I looked like a high school running back who had the second semester to drink beer and eat pizza. And i was ignored at those clubs.

I couldnt afford a gym membership at the time, so i decided to start doing small workouts at home to try and get those cut arms. I did all that, but i wasnt getting results fast enough. So i decided to start cutting breakfast and lunch and eat a small dinner. After a while i cut out the dinner, and ate only a protien bar and stepped up my workouts.

Yes my friends you heard right, the man who hates the gay scene and everything it stands for became an anorexic to fit into the gay scene.

I was a hit at the clubs, there was nothing too me so i became a perfect twink. I shaved off all my body hair, i started listening to beyonce. I became a 3 dollar fag and it only took me from september to christmas. A club asked if i wanted to dance for them, and i took the offer. I was working 7 days a week, not spending any money on food and the gravy train was running at full speed.

That stopped one day when i passed out at work. they pegged me for having an eating disorder and put me in the hospital for a week with a feeding tube. there was nothing to me then, i really was skin and bones, and it was disgusting.

Feburary 2008 i was weighing 98 lbs when i was discharged from the hospital. The day i was discharged my rommate took me to checkers. For us west coasters who have never had checker burger, they are the closest thing the south has to in&out but still falls miraculously short. I ate like a pig but ended up pukin most of it up, which went into the epic fail category of life.

I started to make myself smaller meals, get myself back into the habit of eating. I had to set timers to remind myself to eat. I started to put on weight, and also putting on muscle. I was told by the docs to eat a high protein diet since my body would not deal well with fat for a while, so after my initial burger i kept to chicken and actually started to feel better. I was also supposed to take viamins and submit to drug testing so they knew i wasnt taking steroids or using meth (like id touch that shit after all the shit wth my dad). I also had to attend support groups for people who were suffering from BDD. I learned a shitton about myself in that group, and they recomended me to start going to Alanon and Naranon to help deal with my dad.

by August 08 i was up to 140 and was looking human again. Was still suffering from having extremly bad self image, and things were lookin kinda crappy. Then one of my customers told me if your in classes at the local junior college you could use the gym there for free. BINGO! I enrolled in classes there and became a college boy. I also moved out of the apartment into a house in the glades. These 2 things would combine to re-ignite my sex life much like a match would ignite gasoline.

I was a machine. I would work Saturday Sunday Tuesday Thursday Friday. Monday and Wednesday were school days all day, and from 9am to noon i was at the gym on campus. I felt like i did as a football player. I had a rush when i was working out. Outside the gym i was still sizing up everyone else and felt like i was inferior to them in every way, but i used that to push myself harder. Then i did the stupid thing, i pulled out my shoulder. And instead of giving it the time to heal, i kept working it.

On top of being at the gym all the time, i was doing ok in class, and ended up having a tight group of friends develop there. Since my house was away from everything else, and i worked for a music company, my house became the party house for freshmen/sophmore college students. my count for 2008 was 42 pussys fucked, 27 asses fucked and got fucked 175 times, and that was all from september to december. I was a busy little boy.

By December i was starting to feel like a man again. And i decided i was going to chase a childhood dream of mine, i was going to be a Marine.

my experience with BDD (body dismorphic disorder) was bred out of this sense of needing to belong. I was alone in a big city, no friends and no nothing. the club scene was as close as i had come in miami to having friends, and i wanted to fit in.

Ironically enough, through the support groups i learned i was not the only one who developed the disorder trying to fit into the gay community. Thanks to the gay communities massive use of meth and coke, and the massive emphasis on looking thin and hairless in the community newcomers who dont like to use drugs have a hard time maintaining that image. I know i was not the only one who worked out and never ate to maintain the methhead body that was idolized.

I wish i knew of the leather scene then, as that would have saved me from so much of the pain i went through. I found leather guys are much more willing to accept your physical flaws as long as your a good person when it comes to your actions and personality.

I gave up so much of myself to fit in then, and hurt my body in so many ways that i hope no one ever feels like they have to starve themselves to be accepted anywhere. I know of guys who feel like they have to stop being guys to be part of the gay community. If anyone ever asks why i will NEVER shave off my chest hair again the reason is i shaved it off to fit in with people who called themselves my friends but could not be bothered to visit me while i was in the hospital. The experience gave me the knowledge of knowing that no matter what, people who accept you without you shaving your chest, without you starving yourself and will accept you with all your flaws will come see you when your full of holes, have a tube in your nose and look like you got hit by a bus.

I found myself again when i found friends who actually did care. When i signed my contract for the USMC we had a party so big i had to take the next 3 days off work to remember how to walk. I remember we emptied my hurricane supply of gatorade (15 gallons) in those 3 days. Many of those people i talk to every day. I dont talk to anyone who called themselves my friends from my clubbin days.

I gave up so much for no real gain. In the end i look at this as my final chapter of self pity in my life. I swore i would never feel like that or give up more than i was willing to give just to fit in.

Next step: Recruitment